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According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
Jay Leno
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Jay Leno
Age: 74
Born: 1950
Born: April 28
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
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New Rochelle
New York
James Douglas Muir Leno
Jay Douglas Muir Leno
James Leno
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More quotes by Jay Leno
President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.
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ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3-D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.
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Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!
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All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around.
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The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him.
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Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.
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For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
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Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt.
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I am not just another notch on your belt? she asked him. Of course not. he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.
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When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking.
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John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding.
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President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.
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As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her.
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I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those... it's called a window.
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U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?
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Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
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In People magazine, Madonna said her life has been exhausting since she started her world tour. She said there isn't a second of her life that isn't taken up looking after her family or thinking of her show - her day is filled with problems of work and family. Someone should tell her, everyone else calls that, life.
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Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?
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Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
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Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
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