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President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in the newspapers every day.
Jay Leno
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Jay Leno
Age: 74
Born: 1950
Born: April 28
Actor
Comedian
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Journalist
Screenwriter
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Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
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New Rochelle
New York
James Douglas Muir Leno
Jay Douglas Muir Leno
James Leno
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Newspapers
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Read
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Bush
More quotes by Jay Leno
As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused.
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Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?
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There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.
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Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
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Jesse Jackson's in trouble. They're going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize.
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The circus doesn't stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.
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In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.
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Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
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Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.
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We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.
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I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'
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A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.
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According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.
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George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election--low score wins.
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A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that less than no one thinks they're doing a good job.
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If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? Does the Devil really wear Prada?
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As if this whole thing isn't confusing enough, election officials announced this week that the alphabet on the ballot will begin with the letter R, then W, then Q. You know, even Sesame Street is laughing at California now.
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Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
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You know what I'm doing for Easter? I'm gonna be hanging with my Peeps.
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Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.
Jay Leno