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This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican who spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat.
Jay Leno
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Jay Leno
Age: 74
Born: 1950
Born: April 28
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New Rochelle
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James Douglas Muir Leno
Jay Douglas Muir Leno
James Leno
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More quotes by Jay Leno
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
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President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.
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We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.
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Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.
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President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.
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Like in [the 1950s] if you wanted to ruin someone´s career in Hollywood you claimed he was a Communist. Nowadays, you want to ruin someone´s career in Hollywood, you claim they are Republican.
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President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.
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The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.
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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
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If you're a car salesman, and someone says This is a terrible car, I'm not buying it, it doesn't mean they hate you. They just don't like your product. I think that's a mistake a lot of people in show business make.. they're so tied to their act they take everything personally.
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According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
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President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?
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Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because the states could do a gooder job.
Jay Leno
Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can't vote again. It's a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover.
Jay Leno
The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.
Jay Leno
On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'
Jay Leno
Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too. They look just like the genuine, worthless Treasury bonds.
Jay Leno
The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?
Jay Leno
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
Jay Leno
You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez.
Jay Leno