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Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay.

Jay Leno

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Jay Leno
Age: 74
Born: 1950
Born: April 28
Actor
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Television Actor
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New Rochelle
New York
James Douglas Muir Leno
Jay Douglas Muir Leno
James Leno
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Kenneth
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Laden
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More quotes by Jay Leno

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According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take a harder stance on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair
Jay Leno
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Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
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We're heading for a gov. shutdown. This is serious. W/o the gov who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?
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John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man.
Jay Leno
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The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
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The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed.
Jay Leno
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Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning.
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John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.
Jay Leno
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Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
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Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.
Jay Leno
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You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.
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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno
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According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist.
Jay Leno
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According to a new geographic literacy study 4 out of 10 American students couldn't find Iraq on a map. However 10 out of 10 Mexicans could find the U.S. without a map.
Jay Leno
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L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.
Jay Leno
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Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
Jay Leno
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Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.
Jay Leno
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Forty million Americans smoked marijuana the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.
Jay Leno
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Apparently 26 years ago, Arnold gave an interview to Oui magazine about his sex life. The good news is that Arnold is married to Maria Shriver and now that he's had a sex scandal, the Kennedy family has finally accepted him.
Jay Leno
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Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.
Jay Leno