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Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations.
Jay Leno
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Jay Leno
Age: 74
Born: 1950
Born: April 28
Actor
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Television Actor
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New Rochelle
New York
James Douglas Muir Leno
Jay Douglas Muir Leno
James Leno
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More quotes by Jay Leno
The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight.Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace.
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This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they've installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled.
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Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip.
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Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.
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My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.
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Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as karma. The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings.
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Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
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The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn't have the problem.
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I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
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Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa New Mexico Las Vegas Los Angeles and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam.
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McDonald's announced that it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn't it?
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President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn't that a condom ad?
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Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
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A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.
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Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
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President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?
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This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.
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Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden.
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Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.
Jay Leno
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Jay Leno