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That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.'

Jay Leno

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Jay Leno
Age: 74
Born: 1950
Born: April 28
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Voice Actor
New Rochelle
New York
James Douglas Muir Leno
Jay Douglas Muir Leno
James Leno
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Bed
Emergency
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More quotes by Jay Leno

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A student at the University of Wisconsin in Madison spent 90 days technology free. He went without a cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media of any kind. And you know what really improved? His driving!
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The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low - in other words, Bush is back on the job.
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The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It's their bill. If it's too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?
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A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.
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How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?
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When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors.
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Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, It's like ordering a pizza. Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza... I guess in some ways it is - when it's delivered, it's never quite as hot as you hoped it would be.
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According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?'
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President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.
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Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.
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President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?
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You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, 'Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.'
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President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?
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Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It's ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let's bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They'll know how to take care of him!
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Elections officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, 'What? You count the ballots?'
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A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that less than no one thinks they're doing a good job.
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Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate.
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In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.
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Statistics show 50% of the people use the internet. The rest have sex with real people.
Jay Leno
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I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.
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