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Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Jay Leno

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Jay Leno
Age: 74
Born: 1950
Born: April 28
Actor
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James Douglas Muir Leno
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More quotes by Jay Leno

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I guess you heard about this the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part.
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Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line.
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Show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.
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Every year Steve Kaufman supports the charity “Love Ride” by donating a painting to this cause.
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According to a recent study, ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived of their favourite show, some Trekkies disply withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts. Of course, the real difference is that drug addicts aren't nearly as annoying.
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President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.
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(Gray) Davis said yesterday that he is going to fight like a Bengal tiger, which I believe is also an endangered species.
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Regulations force people to do better.
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Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'
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According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.
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Even Arnold's adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he'd have an Academy Award by now.
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Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as karma. The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings.
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You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows.
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Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn't have to lead us.
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Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.
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The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me.
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John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality.
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You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.
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The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry.
Jay Leno
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Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff didn't know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn't get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.
Jay Leno