Quote

I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.

Janeane Garofalo

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Janeane Garofalo
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: September 28
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Political Activist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Newton
New Jersey
Janeane Marie Garofalo
Would
Chains
Knapsack
Bones
Mugged
Anybody
Jingle
Comedy
Jingles
Funny
Bombing
Two
Notebook
Give
Bone
Giving
Chain

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I'm sorry for being me. I won't ever do it again.
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Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing.
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Like I said, I'm just grateful when anyone offers me a job. It's like, Okay. I'll do it. FBI agent is one, too, when you get older. When you're kind of an older lady hard-ass, FBI tends to happen. It's just because I'd like to work rather than not work, so I'm just happy if somebody wants me to do anything.
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There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.
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It is just as painful to me when I do poorly. If the fault is all mine, that's what's painful. If it's a situation where no one could have succeeded, I don't feel as bad.
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Nothing translates worse than comedy into the printed word.
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I was terrified of being on television - and also I overcompensated, I'm sure, because I know I did this in my personal life too at the time, when I was younger.
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Sage advice? If you're drunk, stay away from the phone. You can't get the answering machine message back.
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Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.
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There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together.'
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I was thrilled to work opposite Carl Reiner and Robert De Niro. Mr. Reiner was very chatty and delightful, but I learned that if you want Robert De Niro to like you, don't speak at all, and he'll be friendly to you.
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I don't hate myself, as a general rule. I'd say the best way to describe it is that I have moments of self-loathing at fairly regular intervals.
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If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.
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There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
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My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.
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When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'
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I hate high fashion. I hate that we reward people for being genetic freaks. You hear the guys announcing the runway shows saying, 'A pretty face is your best asset this season.' And what? Ugly girls had a free ride last year?
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I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.
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To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.
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We're our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.
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