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I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.

Jackie Mason

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Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
Regularly
Sell
Sells
England
America

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My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
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The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's F this and F that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.
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You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
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By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting in whose name in whose strength in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
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There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.
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A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
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All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.
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I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
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I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
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When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!
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I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.
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America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
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Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
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While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.
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Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.
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It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
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Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.
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A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.
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Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.
Jackie Mason