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I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.
Jackie Mason
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Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
Writing
Telling
Every
Soon
Audience
Getting
Jew
Talking
Ill
Night
Likes
Back
Excited
Best
Jokes
More quotes by Jackie Mason
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's F this and F that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.
Jackie Mason
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!
Jackie Mason
By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting in whose name in whose strength in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
Jackie Mason
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.
Jackie Mason
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
Jackie Mason
Predictions are preposterous.
Jackie Mason
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
Jackie Mason
Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have never believed you. Her only qualifications for office are that she's Mr. Clinton's partner. And what does that mean? The two of them stand for dishonesty and corruption.
Jackie Mason
Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they really think will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that there's no way to ever really know for certain.
Jackie Mason
Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
Jackie Mason
The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
Jackie Mason
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
Jackie Mason
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?
Jackie Mason
All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.
Jackie Mason
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.
Jackie Mason
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
Jackie Mason
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Jackie Mason
I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
Jackie Mason
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason
Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.
Jackie Mason
