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Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

Jackie Mason

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Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
Accountant
Accountants
Ran
Accounts
Became
Hear
Away

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It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!
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I've found that my humor goes over big in London.
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Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.
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Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
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Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
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My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
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I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
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Jews are living in the past and they can't get over it.
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It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
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By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting in whose name in whose strength in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
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Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
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Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?
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You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
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People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.
Jackie Mason
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I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.
Jackie Mason
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I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
Jackie Mason
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Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they do.
Jackie Mason
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I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
Jackie Mason
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A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.
Jackie Mason
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My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
Jackie Mason