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My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

Jackie Mason

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Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
Market
Stockbroker
Window
Stockbrokers
Successful
Jumped
Bigs
Businessman
Father
Ruined
Crash
Stock
Fell

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The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's F this and F that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.
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Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they really think will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that there's no way to ever really know for certain.
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I've found that my humor goes over big in London.
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Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
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Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.
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I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
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A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.
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The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.
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I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.
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America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
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I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.
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The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
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Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.
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Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.
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A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.
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Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have never believed you. Her only qualifications for office are that she's Mr. Clinton's partner. And what does that mean? The two of them stand for dishonesty and corruption.
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By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting in whose name in whose strength in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
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Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
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Jews are living in the past and they can't get over it.
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I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
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