Quote

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

Jackie Mason

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
Thinking
Gentleman
World
Remarkable
Please
Wife
Woman
Everyone
Gentlemen
Take
Ladies
Think
Girlfriend

More quotes by Jackie Mason

Image
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
Jackie Mason
Image
Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have never believed you. Her only qualifications for office are that she's Mr. Clinton's partner. And what does that mean? The two of them stand for dishonesty and corruption.
Jackie Mason
Image
There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.
Jackie Mason
Image
Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they do.
Jackie Mason
Image
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
Jackie Mason
Image
The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.
Jackie Mason
Image
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.
Jackie Mason
Image
I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.
Jackie Mason
Image
The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
Jackie Mason
Image
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.
Jackie Mason
Image
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
Jackie Mason
Image
Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.
Jackie Mason
Image
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.
Jackie Mason
Image
People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.
Jackie Mason
Image
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
Jackie Mason
Image
The New York Times does an unbelievable amount of damage because every day television and radio stations along with the rest of media take their lead on the way the news should be presented along with what actually is the news.
Jackie Mason
Image
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason
Image
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
Jackie Mason
Image
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!
Jackie Mason
Image
I've found that my humor goes over big in London.
Jackie Mason