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My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

Jackie Mason

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Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
Audience
Table
Getting
Tables
Stories
Dinner
Doe
Material
Anything
Materials
Make
Aren
Difference
Differences

More quotes by Jackie Mason

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America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
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I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.
Jackie Mason
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My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
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Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
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When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!
Jackie Mason
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Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.
Jackie Mason
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It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
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It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.
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Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
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The New York Times does an unbelievable amount of damage because every day television and radio stations along with the rest of media take their lead on the way the news should be presented along with what actually is the news.
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I've found that my humor goes over big in London.
Jackie Mason
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Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they do.
Jackie Mason
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I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
Jackie Mason
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It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!
Jackie Mason
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Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Jackie Mason
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The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's F this and F that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.
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While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.
Jackie Mason
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A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.
Jackie Mason
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Jews are living in the past and they can't get over it.
Jackie Mason
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I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
Jackie Mason