Quote

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

Jackie Mason

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Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
Stories
Dinner
Doe
Material
Anything
Materials
Make
Aren
Difference
Differences
Audience
Table
Getting
Tables

More quotes by Jackie Mason

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You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
Jackie Mason
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Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.
Jackie Mason
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I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!
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Predictions are preposterous.
Jackie Mason
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Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they really think will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that there's no way to ever really know for certain.
Jackie Mason
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I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.
Jackie Mason
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I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
Jackie Mason
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Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
Jackie Mason
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Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.
Jackie Mason
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It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!
Jackie Mason
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The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's F this and F that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.
Jackie Mason
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Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they do.
Jackie Mason
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I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
Jackie Mason
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Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
Jackie Mason
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Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
Jackie Mason
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When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!
Jackie Mason
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A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.
Jackie Mason
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I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.
Jackie Mason
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The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the lowlife's partner.
Jackie Mason
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By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting in whose name in whose strength in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
Jackie Mason