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My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
Jackie Mason
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Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
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Tables
Stories
Dinner
Doe
Material
Anything
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Table
More quotes by Jackie Mason
The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
Jackie Mason
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!
Jackie Mason
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
Jackie Mason
Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
Jackie Mason
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Jackie Mason
Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they really think will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that there's no way to ever really know for certain.
Jackie Mason
The New York Times does an unbelievable amount of damage because every day television and radio stations along with the rest of media take their lead on the way the news should be presented along with what actually is the news.
Jackie Mason
People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.
Jackie Mason
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.
Jackie Mason
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
Jackie Mason
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.
Jackie Mason
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
Jackie Mason
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
Jackie Mason
Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.
Jackie Mason
There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.
Jackie Mason
The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the lowlife's partner.
Jackie Mason
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!
Jackie Mason
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason
I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
Jackie Mason
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Jackie Mason
