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I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

Jackie Mason

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Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
Humor
Becomes
Comedy
Humour
Talking
Pretend
Doesn
Student
Art
Philosophical
Great
Anybody
Students

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Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
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My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
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Jews are living in the past and they can't get over it.
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I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
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You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
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The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's F this and F that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.
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I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.
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Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
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All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.
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I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
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Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.
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I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.
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Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?
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It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.
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Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.
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When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!
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The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
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America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
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I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
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People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.
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