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It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Jackie Mason
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Jackie Mason
Age: 93 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 9
Died: 2021
Died: July 24
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Rabbi
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Sheboygan
Wisconsin
Yacov Moshe Hakohen Maza
Like
Illness
Findings
Finding
Healthy
Health
Favourite
Longer
Sickness
Question
Retirement
Age
Staying
More quotes by Jackie Mason
I've found that my humor goes over big in London.
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I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
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Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
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Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
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A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.
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Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?
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My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
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People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
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The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the lowlife's partner.
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I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
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It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!
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It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.
Jackie Mason
There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.
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I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.
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I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
Jackie Mason
Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.
Jackie Mason
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.
Jackie Mason
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
Jackie Mason
Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.
Jackie Mason
