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No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

Jack Benny

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Jack Benny
Age: 80 †
Born: 1894
Born: February 14
Died: 1974
Died: December 26
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Military Officer
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Violinist
Chicago
Illinois
Thirty
Nine
Refuse
Often
Tell
Matter
Believe
People

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Gags die, humor doesn't.
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I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
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A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
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I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
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I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
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Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
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I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
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A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
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I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder, yes, but divorce, never.
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Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
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I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
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I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
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It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
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When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
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Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere
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Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
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I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.
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How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.
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I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
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