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How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.

Jack Benny

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Jack Benny
Age: 80 †
Born: 1894
Born: February 14
Died: 1974
Died: December 26
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Military Officer
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Violinist
Chicago
Illinois
Carnegie
Hall
Halls
Practice

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I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
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Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
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I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
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Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
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Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder, yes, but divorce, never.
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As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.
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I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
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There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
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I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
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No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
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Gags die, humor doesn't.
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A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
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I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
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It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
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A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
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I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
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I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
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When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
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I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
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