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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Jack Benny

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Jack Benny
Age: 80 †
Born: 1894
Born: February 14
Died: 1974
Died: December 26
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Military Officer
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Violinist
Chicago
Illinois
Serious
Murder
Matrimony
Wife
Consider
Insightful
Funny
Argument
Considering
Enough
Seven
Mary
Years
Married
Divorce
Never
Couple
Forty
Love
Marriage
Comedian
Relationship
Humorous
Violinist

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A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
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A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
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Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere
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It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
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Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
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I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
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I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
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I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
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I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.
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I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.
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I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
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Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
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I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
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I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
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Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
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There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
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Gags die, humor doesn't.
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I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
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Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
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