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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Jack Benny

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Jack Benny
Age: 80 †
Born: 1894
Born: February 14
Died: 1974
Died: December 26
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Military Officer
Radio Personality
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Violinist
Chicago
Illinois
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Consider
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Argument
Considering
Enough
Seven
Mary
Years
Married
Divorce
Never
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Forty
Love
Marriage
Comedian
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Humorous
Violinist
Serious
Murder
Matrimony

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A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
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Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
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Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
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When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
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I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.
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How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.
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As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.
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I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
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I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.
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There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
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A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
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Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
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I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
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