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I find it painful and angering to look in a mirror.

Jack Abbott

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Jack Abbott
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One morning I woke up and was plunged into psychological shock. I had forgotten I was free.
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When they talk of ghosts of the dead who wander in the night with things still undone in life, they approximate my subjective experience of this life.
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Because there is something helpless and weak and innocent - something like an infant - deep inside us all that really suffers in ways we would never permit an insect to suffer.
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Imagine a thousand more such daily intrusions in your life, every hour and minute of every day, and you can grasp the source of this paranoia, this anger that could consume me at any moment if I lost control.
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The part of me which wanders through my mind and never sees or feels actual objects, but which lives in and moves through my passions and my emotions, experiences this world as a horrible nightmare.
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That is how prison is tearing me up inside. It hurts every day. Every day takes me further from my life.
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As long as I am nothing but a ghost of the civil dead, I can do nothing.
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I feel that if I ever did adjust to prison, I could by that alone never adjust to society.
Jack Abbott