Never ask a woman why she's angry at you. She will either get angrier at you for not knowing, or she'll tell you. Both ways, you lose.

I read a column by George Will that SCARFACE should be rated X because parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? Dad says to Mom, `SCARFACE is in town.' `What's it about?' `Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals.' `Sounds great! Let's take the kids!'

Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.

Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't cross the thin line between cute and demonic.