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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Says
Asks
Call
Two
Lawyer
Questions
Second
Question
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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