Quote

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Lawyer
Questions
Second
Question
Says
Asks
Call
Two

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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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