Quote

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Question
Says
Asks
Call
Two
Lawyer
Questions
Second

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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman