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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Talk
Thought
Telephone
Telephones
Cheap
Bill
Bills
Saws

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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman