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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Thought
Telephone
Telephones
Cheap
Bill
Bills
Saws
Talk

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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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