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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Wife
Lasts
Last
Chauffeur
Without
Chauffeurs
Ran
Luck
Terrible
Week

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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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