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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Without
Chauffeurs
Ran
Luck
Terrible
Week
Wife
Lasts
Last
Chauffeur

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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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