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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Ran
Luck
Terrible
Week
Wife
Lasts
Last
Chauffeur
Without
Chauffeurs

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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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