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I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Live
Park
Parks
Central
Four

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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
Henny Youngman