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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Sex
Family
Three
Kids

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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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