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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Commit
Killing
Without
Suicide

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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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