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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Suicide
Commit
Killing
Without

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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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