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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Suicide
Commit
Killing
Without
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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