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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Commit
Killing
Without
Suicide

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
Henny Youngman