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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Without
Suicide
Commit
Killing

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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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