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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Suicide
Commit
Killing
Without

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman