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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Suicide
Commit
Killing
Without

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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman