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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Paid
Free
Make
Idiot

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
Henny Youngman
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
Henny Youngman
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Henny Youngman
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
Henny Youngman
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman