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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Idiot
Paid
Free
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More quotes by Henny Youngman

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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman