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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Idiot
Paid
Free
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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