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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Idiot
Paid
Free
Make

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman