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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Idiot
Paid
Free
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More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
Henny Youngman
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
Henny Youngman
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman