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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Make
Idiot
Paid
Free

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Henny Youngman
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
Henny Youngman
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
Henny Youngman
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
Henny Youngman
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
Henny Youngman
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Henny Youngman
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman