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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Idiot
Paid
Free
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More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman