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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Sold
Told
Law
House
Mother

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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