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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Miss
Missing
Friend
Wife
Tell
Away
Best
Ran

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman