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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Best
Ran
Miss
Missing
Friend
Wife
Tell
Away
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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