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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Missing
Friend
Wife
Tell
Away
Best
Ran
Miss

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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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