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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Wife
Tell
Away
Best
Ran
Miss
Missing
Friend

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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman