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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Missing
Friend
Wife
Tell
Away
Best
Ran
Miss
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
Henny Youngman
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Henny Youngman
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Henny Youngman
What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Henny Youngman
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
Henny Youngman
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman