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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Missing
Friend
Wife
Tell
Away
Best
Ran
Miss

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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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