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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Answers
Asks
Different
Time
Answer

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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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