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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Answer
Answers
Asks
Different
Time

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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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