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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Answer
Answers
Asks
Different
Time

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman