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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Time
Answer
Answers
Asks
Different

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman