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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Nowhere
Car
Gets
Call
Flattery

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
Henny Youngman